Great Granddaughter of Wilford Woodruff – Testimony of Why She Left Mormonism
I left Mormonism 10 years ago, and I still find there are times when the web of half truths and literal deceit try to threaten and disturb my peace of mind. I am even finding it difficult to write this letter.
Right now, it is as if I have a point at which I cannot think straight, and to try to express my feelings is almost impossible. I reach the foggy state of mind that some have spoken of in their stories of leaving the LDS church. For me, it was quite a journey. I am a great-great granddaughter of Wilford Woodruff, and though I was raised more a cultural Mormon, not an active Mormon, I became very active when my husband and I were married. The Temple, the callings, the whole nine yards. I literally came to the point that although I was struggling with inconsistencies, I CHOSE to not listen to my conscience – I chose to believe what I did not rationally believe.
That is almost more dangerous than one who “grows up” with a testimony. At that point, I shut the door to light and truth, locked it, and I threw away the key. Nevertheless, The Lord kept whispering to me, and still I did not listen. I wanted so badly to believe in the “perfect” Mormon ideal of family. I was miserable. When my son was 7 years old, the doubts were by then pounding at the door to be let out. I was so unhappy, but I did not believe I could ever be free from Mormonism. I thought I was doomed to struggle forever. I looked at my sweet, happy little boy, knowing that in a short while, he would be turning 8, and would have to be baptized. I remember the moment that the key I had thrown away was given back to me. I knew that I had given in to this life of anguish, but I would not, as a mother, do the same to my child. I would not sentence him to this life of imprisonment.
That is when I knew I would leave the church. I did not at that time even know what the Bible said about God. I didn’t know all of the documentation that proves J.S. was a hoax, and that the Mormons are still covering up the changes, and the lies. I just knew that though I may struggle the rest of my life with the fear of their power over me, I would not, could not, sentence my innocent child to the same anguish. Does it ever get completely resolved? I still struggle, and I get so frightened of their power over my mind, because I let them have such power at one time. I am a Christian, and have been since that glorious day – I pray every day for the strength to see clearly what I know is the truth about Mormonism – that it is a cult, and a masquerader of Christianity.
I guess because I “let” them have so much power over my thoughts for all those years, I literally chose to disregard my own screams from inside my soul, that I still have times (not always) where I struggle with “Oh my God, what if I’m wrong and they’re right”. I tell you, I’d really rather the Lord take me home now, then ever face that kind of subjugation and misery again. I have found great comfort in the research of Jerald and Sandra Tanner. I stay away from hysterical books such as God Makers, because that particular author has an ax to grind. I clearly support and encourage and seek out factual documentation, and am always adding to my research library…..
I was just talking to [another family member], who by the way, left Mormonism about a year after I did, and we were talking about some of the weird stuff that went on in the Temple. She said her knees started to shake, and she realized she had never spoken to anyone about her experience before. We compared notes, and shared how frightened we both were, and then had some good laughs. The laugh was caused when she recounted how frightened she was that she was going to forget her “name”, and in fact, she had to raise her hand and stand when they called for anyone who had forgotten their name to come forward. Her (then) husband was very critical and unforgiving and she knew how embarrassed she had made him. She wanted to crawl into a hole. Then she said to me, as she was telling this story, “if only I could have remembered the name without having to let everyone know”.
I laughed. I looked at her, and said, “Honey, you could have asked the lady sitting next to you, and she would have been able to tell you”. You should have seen the look on her face when she realized that all these years she had thought each person in each session in each temple in the world all had a different name for that day.
We cracked up. Then she said how funny it was to look over at her husband in “full dress” – he looked like a Chef. So yes, we did laugh, and yes, it was good for both of us! Honestly, it’s kind of scary to think that I can actually talk and share with someone who has been there and knows how I feel.